Complicated Journey

Over Thinking

2012-02-10T09:20:00.000-05:00

I suffer from a very dangerous disease called OVER THINKING... yea many of us women have been infected with this virus by each and every man that has hurt us. Although people always say don't make the new man pay for the mistakes of the previous ones, it is not something we can avoid. Being that we have this virus. Although all things may be going great, and all you see in the mirror on a daily bases is the smiles he may bring to your face, the smallest thing may happen that may seem odd messes everything up. As different as he may have proved to you he is, the second he does something that may have the smallest resemblance to what the previous man did it all comes crumbling down. I don't want to say I am scorned or bitter over my past experiences but I guess it is inevitable to feel the same suspicious way like we have felt before. I don't know, maybe the only person that has been a fool all along has been me; or maybe just maybe I was just fooling myself into beleiving that this may be it, the one to make me happy. I am not gonna sit here and say he has done me wrong, I do not know that, I don't really have any suspicions. It is just the small tiny things that he begins to do that are similar to what I have been through before and it is like flicking a switch and it makes my heart turn cold, my mind turn angry.

Just a recap of all my bad experiences; 1. 6 yrs together-cheated with his co-worker. 2. after a year, still wants no commitment. 3. amazing beginnings, wants to get married, then turns possesive, so I call it quits, 8 months go by, he comes around, seems to have changed we start it up again, all great, then tells me he got married during those 8 months, completely humiliates me in front of his friends, and then tells me that the only reason he came back was to humiliate me and hurt me the same way I hurt him when I walked away. 4. Meet a person, all is great, right off the bat tells me he doesn't want a commitment so we have fun for a while I let it go and meet someone else. After that falls apart he comes back and says he wants a commitment, now I am not the one who is ready and then he decides to tell me he is married (but separated supposedly). His wife comes back into the picture 2 months later. 5. This one was great, he had me soooo fooled. I was head over heels, I felt that this was it, I wanted it to be it, I wanted him and only him forever. He had worked it out so well, I never even realized. He had another 2 girls. I fell for all the lies, but then again he had the whole charade well done, even his family thought he was a saint. I find out and let it go.

And now we get to 6. He has been great, this whole time, it has gone smoothly. He is not a sweet talker, he makes no empty promises, he proves it all with his actions. He includes me in all the plans and all the ideas, he talks furture, he is doing more now to get his shit together, for me he says. Goes back to school, wants to move up in life, to provide better he says. In all the ideas I am included. He says we will do this and that, go here and there. I have faith in us. But it only takes one small thing, one phone call that doesn't get picked up, one plan that may be changed, a comment on facebook, or a lack thereof, to make it all change for me. If it but merely begins to resemble a previous person and it cause mes to lose all faith, all hope in whatever we may have.

So what can I say, can you blame me for feeling the way I feel?? Call me crazy. It is only natural I suppose... I don't even know anymore. I believe that after all the experiences I have been through maybe I should just give up and stay single. I mean after all it is not so bad, maybe I can adopt in a couple of years, or find a sperm donor; makes things so much easier, only you control your days, your schedules, no arguments over whose responsabilities are not met. The only thing that proves to be troublesome is the sex and intimacy; but after all that can be easily arranged. I have before, meaningless nights of pure pleasure, I can have that any time I desire; but there is no intimacy. So maybe staying single is not so bad after all. Now do you see what I mean? This disease I have, over thinking is incredibly dangerous. I wish I knew there was a cure for it. I was hoping he was the cure, and right now I just don't know anymore.

Hello 2012!

2012-01-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

And my happiness continues! There is some kind of joy in my heart, the kind that never really stuck around for too long. Being with a person who makes me feel this way, no arguments, no fights, no misunderstandings! It is amazing!!! Christmas was good, was just home with the family, got some pretty good gifts.. my nieces are super cute and got tons of new toys. I'm always glad they are happy. They definitely make my days, I can't wait to have children of my own. A little boy first then a little girl; or maybe another boy! I love boys! New Year's Eve was even better, HE came and spent NYE with my family. He totally put a great ending to my year and amazing beginning to my 2012. He met my family and they were very welcoming of him. I am glad they liked him, it is extremely important for my family to like him. If by any chance this turns out to be a long term commitment, it is always important for your significant other to be accepted into the family. I also got a new addition to my family, as if my New Years couldn't get any better right? I got my BMW, I had been looking into getting it for a while now, and when my current SUV started giving me trouble it became the perfect opportunity to take the plunge into my new luxury car. It drives incredibly well, looks so sexy and goes so fast! I am trully lucky for having my year start out so great; that means it can only get better from here on. I am planning to possibly get a condo this year, MAYBE! I also have many trips planned this year, and hope they all go through as planned. If so, I will be going to Machupicchu, Skiing in the Poconos, a little touring in Toronto, a basketball game in Arizona and a football game in Miami. I just hope God shines down some more light on me and helps me succeed in all my endeavours. I guess if I just keep on waiting and being hopeful good things will continue to happen. :-)

Ser pendejo

2011-12-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

En verdad no entiendo como hay personas tan estupidas, talvez estupida no es la mejor palabra, mas bien pendejo.. Hay gente tan pendeja, mi mejor amiga es una de ellas, no conozco a nadie que sea mas dejada que ella. Se deja de todo el mundo, no tiene absolutamente ninguna voluntad para enfrentarse a la gente. No sabe como abrir la boca y quejarse cuando alguien le trata mal, or habla mal, etc. Trabajamos juntas y siempre le digo que si tiene problemas con alguien, o alguien no esta haciendo bien su trabajo e impide que ella haga el suyo que me diga. Pero nunca dice nada, prefiere ella aguantar los regaños de mi o de los jefes en vez de decir lo que paso, o de quien fue culpa. Deja que la gente la lastime con sus comentarios y bromas y nunca dise nada, prefiere ponerse a llorar y seguir aguantadose. Es la cosa mas desesperante ver que no tiene espina para defenderse! ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Moms

2011-12-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

Needless to say, I love my mom, she is an amazing woman, she has always given my brother and I so much. But sometimes I just want to scream and smack her or something. I've never had a great relationship with her. We don't normally talk openly, especially about the way we feel, mainly cause she just doesn't want to listen. I don't think that there is ever a moment where she has been real supportive of the decisions I make, aside from going to college, she always finds something negative to say. If it wasn't for my dad always being there, willing to listen to me vent about her, I would probably lose my sanity. She can't be told when she is doing something wrong, her first reaction is to shut you up and/or walk away. Growing up, and to this day, she always says there is no better friend than your mother. I don't know, I really don't feel that way. I love her with all my heart but I can't really say she has been there for me 100%. When I was younger and needed to talk or seeked help I knew that if the TV was on then I was unable to talk to her. When the soaps were on there was no way of getting her attention, and she watched just about every show from 6/7 till she went to sleep. She always used to critizice me about always being out with my friends, or at my boyfriends house, and yes I would feel guilty for having a better realtionship with my boyfriend's mom than her. But how could I have a relationship with her? She was never willing to listen, and the few times she did, she critiziced or made negative comments. I guess this is where all my resentment towards her comes into play. I have very little patience and snap immediately, the minute she makes a negative comment I lose it! I really wish I had more patience with her, and I have worked on being patient. I think that in this year alone I have done a lot of soul searching and worked on my temper and patience tremendously. I know I am not the same temperamental woman I was 5 years ago. But when it comes to my mother I just don't know how to deal with all of my emotions. I want to cry and scream and tell her about all the resentment I feel towards her, and I have tried, once maybe twice before; we break down into tears and she walks away leaving me in a room alone with all my unexpressed feelings. I wish God would just give me the wisdom and tell me how to deal with her, I don't want to continue feeling this resentment. And I definitely do not want to follow this pattern with my own daughter one day. I really wish I had the same great relationship with my mom that I see some of my friends have with their mothers. I guess for now the only thing to do is just to try to have patience and walk away when she drives me insane. Things just do not seem that they will change, ever, I am 27 and I have felt this way since I can remember.

Feeling Happy!

2011-12-19T13:05:00.000-05:00

I am feeling extremely happy lately! :::sighs:::: I guess I am kinda tired to expressing to my friends how happy I feel.. This happiness has a name of course, have been talking to him for a few months now. And all I can really say is he makes me happy. I can only hope that he will turn out to be a real nice person, so far he has shown to be a nice person, although you never really know. He has yet to show me his bad side, we haven't had any arguments. Of course we differ in opinion on certain topics, but he accepts my opinions and i respect his. No judgements, he doesn't make me feel bad for thinking differently. He listens to my thoughts and ideas. He is smart, although he doesn't think he is as smart as he could be if he dedicated more time into learning more things than he already knows. He makes plans and he includes me in them.. WOW.. what a great feeling to have that. A person who includes you in their plans, or says hey I want to go here or there and says what do you think? Would you consider going with me? He talks about a future, not like let's get married and have kids it is too soon for that, but makes future plans that include ME! I haven't had that in a long time, someone who values my thoughts, ideas and shares his and includes me in his plans. I think to myself where have you been all this time? lol... I guess good things do come to those who wait after all. He wakes up in the morning and reaches out to me, doesn't go all day making me wonder about where he is or what he is doing, it just seems that there is no guessing games being played. He is kind, humble, considerate and polite. I guess in a way I am thankful for having met so many assholes before, so that now I am able to recognize and value a nice guy. I hope he doesn't change all the great qualities he has; and most of all I really pray that he doesn't turn out to be a jerk and breaks my heart. And if that were the case then, oh well.. I guess I am no longer afraid of getting my heart broken, it has been broken a couple of times before, I am stronger now. My world will not end because of another failed relationship. Life goes on, and I would have continued to add to the many greatly cherished memories of my life! For now I will continue to enjoy the happy feelings I contain in my heart TODAY, tomorrow is never promised. :-)

Randon Monday Thoughts

2011-09-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

So its Monday, can't seem to concentrate in the great amount of work I need to complete today. Which is really unlike me, I am normally extremely focused and consider myself a workaholic. :::Sighs::: I just keep on thinking "can this day go any faster?" The only thing that stands out in my mind right now is the conversation I had with my parents yesterday.

I consider myself a very independent woman, even though I do live at home with them. I have the basement apartment in their home. I haven't moved out yet, not because I can't afford it, but because really what is the point of having my own place. I am always working, therefore, I would be paying rent for nothing really, it would just be a place for me to get some sleep, shower, do laundry and get ready to be out and about. Unlike the parents of my friends who have moved back in with their parents after separation/divorce etc, my parents are not the type to be involved in my personal life, or constantly want to know where I am or what I am doing.

So I am 27, and they are wondering what I am doing with my life. Yesterday my mom says I work too much, and should spend some time on myself, "you don't even have a boyfriend to make you happy" were her exact words. OKAY.. so I didn't know I was unhappy, thanks mom for that announcement. I am perfectly fine without a man in a my life right now, I am happy, extremely happy and at peace with myself. Which I wasn't . But ughhhhsssss... it just really seemed to bother me. So back in the days by my age, people were married and with kids. By the time my mom was 27 she had me (second child); and I "don't even have a boyfriend".. WTF is that?!?!?

So yea I am single, when I talk to a guy and they come accross this fact, I get asked "what's wrong with you?" Nothing I say, I just haven't found the right guy. My last relationship ended about 6 months ago. He tended to turn every issue around on me, and even said one day, well have you ever stopped and thought that there must be something wrong with you if none of your relationships have succeeded. If they had, then you would have been married by now. And I even thought WOW maybe he is right, there must be something wrong with me. However, months later I come to realize that it wasn't me, he had been cheating all along, but would turn my suspicions and questions into "you're crazy, seek help".

After all that I have gone through in my relationships, I finally feel like I have done some soul searching and know what's what. I know that I may have had my moments of weakness and made a ton of mistakes. But it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me, like many other women out there we fall for the wrong man and make mistakes. It is all a learning experience, along with many cherished memories and a lot of pain, each relationship is a lesson learned.

Right now my main focus is me, my life, self growth and career. I have goals I need to attain. Have a great family and awesome group of friends. I don't feel like I need a man by my side to be happy, at least for now.

Disappointments

2011-07-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

Men are such a disappointment, not all, but most. Where did all the good men go? even the ones that seem good are not worth 2 cents. The one guy I was so crazy about and kept on putting myself thru hell for turned out to have a completely different side of him. He even had his whole family fooled with this good guy facade. :::sighs::: Now I come to find out that my best friend's boyfriend of almost 8 years had been cheating on her. Last year it was another one of my friends, her husband confessed to be having an affair. These two seemed to be completely devoted to their women until the truth came out. It makes me feel like I should join a convent or something, hand my life over to complete religious devotion instead of hoping for a good guy to come along. The guy I am seeing now, turns hot and cold from one moment to the next, it's like man make up your mind already. One week he tells me how much he cares for me and loves spending time with me, we spend almost every day together and the next week he says he is scared of falling in love and being hurt again, well I guess you just don't know me well enough. I would never purposely hurt a person, or break a man's heart, normally I am the one who ends up being heart broken. I guess if i start acting like men do I will avoid the heart break altogether, but then again who knows, they just seem to always find a way to disappoint us (women), even when we think we have the upper hand. :-(

So Mad!!!

2011-07-13T15:15:00.000-04:00

Been a while since I wrote last... too many things have happened and still tons going on. But will write them all down at one point or another, except today. For now however, I am just so mad and frustrated, sitting in my office letting my blood boil!!! It is so difficult to work with your best friend. Sometimes she reallly makes me wish I wouldn't have hired her. We differ in so many ways, and right now the reason why I am so upset is cause she defied my orders in front of our new assistant! WTF man, I am your boss! You don't defy me like that in front of another person, and then we go bickering in front of the new girl. She says she really hates this job sometimes cause she finds it difficult to take orders from me and also that I make her feel dumb at times cause I am so much smarter, like WTH doesn't that entice you into trying to be smarter then? Or try a little harder to learn more things? IDK it is just very aggravating!! aahhhhh!!!!!

Heading towards heartbreak!

2011-02-07T15:16:00.000-05:00

So I find myself heading to yet another heartbreak. Although, I would like to be optimistic and think that everything will work out this time I would just be lying to myself. After we broke up I was so devastated and angry, although the love was still there I was able to get up and keep going, and now he is back. And I find myself hopelessly devoted and in love, filled with mixed emotions. One part of me wants to continue to love this man and think that this is the one person I want the rest of my life, and the other part of me says "wow how stupid will you continue to be? He is not ready to provide you what you want!" He is not ready to settle down like you would like. How do I make myself walk away from this disaster and pronto!

2011-02-06T01:39:00.001-05:00

Been meaning to write for a while, just didn't make the time; kind of pointless to blog if it isn't something you are gonna follow thru with; guess thats just me. It's Saturday night and I'm home, by choice, my friends went out to a girl's bday party. Guess I am regretting that decision right about now. On top of all that, my phone fell in a puddle of water and well for those who know me, I am glued to my phone; my communication is completely cut off now and I am going insane with all these random thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. So that relationship I ended last summer, well I guess it's not completely over. Right around the end of the year, he started looking for me again, as much as I ignored him, he insisted, and well I can't deny that I do love the guy. Which of course it is the stupidest thing to go back to what didn't work out once already. So we just started seeing eachother again a few weeks ago, and today is his birthday. It completely sucks that I don't get to spend it with him, he is out with his family, and well neither his nor my family know about us. It overall it really sucks to love a person who you don't think loves you as much as you do.

Special Someone

2010-12-22T00:32:00.000-05:00

(Wrote this a while back and just realized I had not posted but had only saved it in drafts)
Got a few thoughts and decided to take a minute and write them down. Been feeling kind of down lately reminiscing about happier times. I gotta say that I am truly blessed of having such awesome people in my life. One of those people is my best friend. Just like there is that belief that everyone has a soulmate, I beleive I have found my soulmate, but not a romantic soulmate, but rather a person with whom I can always be myself, share anything that is in my mind and who will not pass judgement. She has truly provided me unconditional friendship when I needed someone. Hoewever, she brings the monster out of me, like she did today for a quick minute, and of course I cannot express her this cause I do not want to offend or hurt her feelings. We work together now; even though all those around us thought it was such an awful idea to work with your best friend. But I think that it has brought us closer together, closer than we were before in a sense. She used to be mad at me all the time mostly cause I put her aside during my last relationship, and she is right, I did push her aside which was a huge mistake. I wasn't there for her when she most needed me, and it is something I have to live with since then. But I am here now, unconditionaly and hope that never again, neither one of us lets a man get between us. Not to be misunderstood, we love men in our lives, can't live with them, can't live without them. We have clarified that it is ok to spend most of your time with your significant other while also providing unconditional friendship to those who have always been there. And this is where this whole work arrangement comes in handy, we spend most of the week together, and fell free to provide the necessary time to our significant others without feeling left out. I am very glad to have her by my side.

Deseos de Cosas Imposibles

2010-10-11T02:21:00.000-04:00

Hace un par de meses termine una relación que duro un poco más de un año, y puedo decir con honestidad que tengo el corazón herido y todavía lo amo con tanta intensidad como antes. Hace unos días tuvimos una conversación, me escribió y esta vez decidí contestar. La conversación fue corta me dijo que me extrañaba y pues claro que automáticamente supe a lo que se refería. Porque será que lo único que los hombres extrañan de una relación acabada es lo físico de ello. Le dije que también lo extrañaba aunque no de la misma manera a la que el se refería. Me dijo que me deseaba y le dije que también pero más que eso. Me pregunto dime que deseas mami? Claro que esperaba que le expresara lo mucho que lo deseaba físicamente, decidí no contestar su pregunta. Y pues eso procedió a dar por terminada nuestra conversación. Luego me puse a pensar y escribí lo siguiente:

Deseo que vuelvas a mi.

Deseo tenerte en mis brazos.

Deseo besar tus labios.

Deseo sentir tus caricias.

Deseo hacerte el amor cada día, al anochecer y al despertar por el resto de mis días.

Deseo despertar a tu lado.

Deseo que sean tus ojos y tu rostro lo primero que veo cada día.

Deseo ver tu mirada llena de amor como antes.

Deseo sentir tu calor a mi lado.

Deseo acurrucarme a tu lado mientras leemos un libro o vemos televisión como antes.

Deseo tener las largas conversaciones que teníamos al comienzo.

Deseo dejar de llorar por ti.

Deseo que nunca me haigas dejado de amar.

Deseo regresar a los días en que éramos felices.

Deseo regresar el tiempo y desaparecer todos los problemas que teníamos.

Deseo nunca haber paliado como lo hacíamos.

Deseo no pensarte a diario, ni preocuparme por ti.

Deseo poder dejarte de amar.

Deseo poder borrarte de mi memoria.

Deseo no haberme enamorado de la manera que me enamore.

Deseo no sentir el dolor que siento en el alma desde que te fuiste.

Deseo muchas cosas mas pero solo son deseos de cosas imposibles.

Hello Blog! Introducing myself...

2010-10-11T02:03:00.000-04:00

Well here I go, I finally got down to starting this blog... I had it in mind for a while now, but just had not gotten the chance to initiate it. Just a little introduction: I am a workaholic, I love my job and what I do, hence the long dedicated hours. I also love to have fun and travel, although I do not do it as much as I would want. I do not have a ton of friends, but a handful of loyal ones, The simple fact is that people tend to judge a book by it's cover, and get an erroneous idea about me. I do not care much for people's opinion of me and therefore it is difficult for them to like me if I do not go out of my way to please them. I am not a pleaser for the most part, I am me, take it or leave it. Although, I am a pleaser at times and as I continue blogging I am sure that these past few lines will be an entire contradiction to my posts. I do know that I am a complicated, often confused, contradictory individual, with a ton of complex ideas and interests. Sometimes I spark up a random conversation with someone and at the end they express how they did not see me as the kind of person that had those interests and opinions, which is flattering and sometimes offensive, depending on occasion. I love music and dancing, it is what drives me and lifts me when I need motivation. I am tough and many times confused for a bitch, but I have a completely emotional and sensitive side of me which I seldom show. And maybe that is the reason for this blog, to be able to express myself, my true thoughts when I am unable to express them to those around me. I have an older brother, with whom I argue constantly but whom I'd die for. He has given me two beautiful nieces, 7 and 2, they are truly amazing and often surprise me. My parents have been married for 32 years, and have always shown love for each other. I can honestly say that I have never seen them argue; they are truly an inspiration to what I hope to have in a marriage someday. I often have my differences with my mother rather than my father, who seems to be more understanding of his little girl. I am Peruvian, born in Lima, and migrated to NJ at the age of 9; therefore some of my posts will be in Spanish. I don't know if it is a bilingual thing, but some things are better expressed in your native language. That is about it for my introduction, although I am sure I missed a lot, but will continue to convey in time. :-)